New York improviser: Chris DeLuca

Chris DeLuca

There was a log cabin on Hillsbury Lake, and in this cabin there lived a moose. Mrs. Moose was her name, and like any moose in an apron, she loved to bake. Now, when Mrs. Moose baked, the smell would be so delicious that all the other animals in the forrest would come running to the cabin for just a little taste. However, Mrs. Moose was greedy, and would only bake her herself. She would bake scones and buns and cakes and pies and tarts and muffins, all of them huge, and she would eat them all herself. The other animals would beg her to share her wonderful baking, but she would just toss her head, pick it back up again, and gobble down the pastries. The other animals would whine and howl and scratch and peck and growl, but to no avail; Mrs. Moose simply would not share. Pretty soon, the animals started to get angry.
“Why won't you share with us?” They said. “You bake so much food, there is plenty for all of us.”
“I am a moose,” said Mrs. Moose, “I need my cakes,” and with that she swallowed one of her famous chocolate namesake cakes. This made the other animals very angry, but what could they do? Mrs. Moose was, after all, a moose, and much bigger and stronger than all of them put together, except for Bear, who was sleeping, and Wolf, who was a jerk and ate them on a regular basis.
And so time passed; each day the animals of the forrest would beg for sweets, and each day Mrs. Moose would eat them all by herself. After almost a month, the entire forrest suffered a sugar shortage. Everyone was craving sugar more than they ever had in their little fuzzy lives. Everyone, that is, except Mrs. Moose. Every day she still baked huge amounts of pastries, ignoring the whimpers of the sugar starved animals as she gorged herself. Finally, Fox took all the other animals aside and spoke with them. “We have been oppressed by Mrs. Moose long enough!” Fox yelped. “We must end her selfish moosey ways once and for all, and claim the cakes that are rightfully ours!” The rest of the animals cheered, then Shrew spoke up.
“But how will we stand a chance against Mrs. Moose; after all, she is a moose.” All the other animals muttered in nervous agreement with one another, for Mrs. Moose was in fact a moose. Fox silenced them with a swish of her tail.
“We may not be a match for her in strength, but when it comes to brains we've got her beat.”
“How so?” Honked Duck.
“Mr. Moose,” replied Fox slyly.
Now Mr. Moose – who was actually a poodle and married into the name1 – was the apple of Mrs. Moose's eye. As soon as he came home from work2 she would gallop over and leap into his paws3, and would hug and kiss him so much that he would have a hard time breathing. Mr. Moose was the only person Mrs. Moose would share her baking with. Unfortunately, the first time Mr. Moose ate a wedge of his wife's chocolate namesake cakes he instantly developed type II diabetics. Despite his name, he was still a dog. After that, Mr. Moose could never again eat the wonderful confections his wife baked. This made Mrs. Moose very sad, and she tried to convince Mr. Moose to eat the pastries anyway. “No thanks,” he would say politely, “I'll die.” Yet Mrs. Moose didn't give up hope; every night she would save a little something for her husband, and once he got home she would ask him if he wanted it. Every night Mr. Moose would thank her but insist that it would kill him, leaving Mrs. Moose to sadly eat the pastry herself.
Now Fox knew all of this because she was a spy4. Fox told all the other animals her plan, and everyone thought it was very clever indeed. That very night Fox and the other animals hid themselves around Mrs. Moose's cabin just as Mr. Moose was coming home from work. As he was walking up the drive, Fox tripped him, Boar hit him over the head, and Beaver pulled him into the bushes. Then they put Sheep in Mr. Moose's clothing. Sheep was one of the biggest sweet tooth's, and had lost a lot of weight since the sugar shortage, so that he looked very much like Mr. Moose. However Sheep's sugar cravings were so intense, that Fox decided to make an assurance that he would save sweets for the rest of them if he succeeded in his mission.
“If you do not share the sweets you get with us, then I will find my brother Wolf and tell him that you have grown fat and tasty once more.”

1. Poodles always take the woman's name.
2. He commuted to dog shows.
3. Mr. Moose had a very bad back.
4. A foxy spy.